Recent Entries

(no subject)

Reminder for a bigger post.

I'm scared socially, of counsellors. They the one's who know how people work. They know what body language is, real body language and how it works. They know how to make you feel comfortable and welcome. they know how people's minds work, and they know the tangles we find ourselves in. They know the depths which human behaviour can sink, and the heights to which it can aspire.

I'm scared of having a counsellor for a boss.

A Recent Realisation

One of my ex boyfriends really messed me up. He acted badly, and I stayed with him long enough to believe that it was normal behaviour.

I thought I had dealt with a lot of the fallout from that relationship pretty well. Unfortunately, I'm still uncovering the damage.

I found myself reacting to behaviour which was the same as my ex's and believing the consequences or the meaning of the behaviour was the same currently as it was in the past. Sorry that was difficult to put into the right words. My current boyfriend is a considerate kind person. My ex wasnt. However sometimes because they do the same things or say the same things, I forget that the meaning is different.

To give a better example... It would be Friday night, both me and my ex were working full time during the week. We would usually always spend Friday night together. I was living with my mum at the time. She used to go out on a Friday night, leaving us with the house to ourselves, what more could two young twenty somethings want? Apparently he wanted the pub more. He would tell me he was just going for one drink after work, and would get the 6pm train/bus down. He'd maybe call an hour later and tell me he missed it. I would expect him on the next one. More time would pass. I'd call when he was about 15 mins or so from the house (by my estimations) - he would still be in the pub, promising the next bus home.

On average he would get down to me by about 10pm. Too late to really do anything together, like go to the cinema. He knew I was waiting on him, yet he didn't seem to want to spend time with me, or care about my evening or my feelings. One night he phoned me at 12:30 and told me he was getting a taxi, and I told him not to bother. He showed up at 1am and I was furious. He was drunk and wanted to sleep beside me. That happened more than once. I hated it, and I hated feeling underappreicated and used. What was worse was my mother the observer in all this.

I will never let myself be treated badly again. Unfortunately when my boyfriend tells me he'll be with me at 10:30pm, it triggers all these feelings, and I start feeling like my current boyfriend is an immature inconsiderate selfish bastard. I'm more than happy for him to go off and do things without me, I'm actually very happy on my own, or doing my own thing. However its the process, its telling me he'll be back at a certain time. Its everything which reminds me of my ex.

This triggers feelings of panic, because I promised myself I'd never allow myself to be hurt again and I really love my boyfriend I don't want to lose him, but if he's bad then he's got to go. Which triggers feelings of misery and loss and anger.

I didn't realise this was all going on in my head when I would feel uncomfortable with him saying "I'll do x" its taken WEEKS for me to have these thoughts verbalised in my head (and my belief for why this is, is a locked post for another day).

However what I wanted to say in this post is we have a solution to this problem. Having identified what the issue actually is, I can now work on developing some more positive core beliefs about my boyfriend. So when I feel panic, I will remind myself with examples of how he is considerate, and cares about me and my feelings. I will remind myself that when he say's he'll do something or be somewhere at a certain time he always is (or at least calls). I will remember he is not selfish and he does want to be in a relationship and be a boyfriend. I figure after a few times of this, I will settle down again and be more like the person I was before I got messed up with my ex.

There is hope, behaviour can be changed. You just have to be willing to overwrite your old beliefs.

Awards

I am frustrated by awards for exceptional people.

Today I saw an award advertised, the "rising researcher award", which recognises excellent ongoing PhD work.

The people at the top will do well in their careers. So why should we give them more money? Why not motivate some of the middling researchers, who are struggling, and trying very hard? Why must we reward excellence, excellence will be excellence with or without the award.

I have a strong academic record, yet I believe myself to be a hard worker, rather than a genius or exceptionally bright. I plough through things, I keep going until the job gets done. My work is being pushed along by me, the heavy workhorse. I am not a sleek thoroughbred capable of achieving these excellent rewards. It frustrates me.

Also, I think some people can be very lucky with their PhD topics. If you can bleed through into someone else's work, who is well renown, it can boost you. I feel isolated in my topic, falling between gaps of genres. Am I psychology? Sports studies? Public Health? I feel my area does not have a great deal of "gold standard" research, as it is a relatively young field. (And the people who are well renown, are difficult to gain access to, esp as they're at different universities)

Why can't we have an award for "people who are struggling through"? Are us workhorses doomed to be ignored when the results come out? Meritocracy sucks! Lets have effortrocity! :)

Lipstick

Irresistible shine, strong colour. Lipstick.

If I was a guy, and my girlfriend was wearing bright purple lipstick I really wouldn't want to kiss her.

Entry tags:

gaming,
love

RPGs, Characters and Relationships

For as long as I have roleplayed, I have always enjoyed the thought of my character being in love and possibly even getting married. In some ways its that childish joy from playing with dolls. I've never quite managed it though. Back when I was dating a fellow larper, I couldn't quit find a hook, I struggled to have my character favour *anyone*. Perhaps the character was the essence of my singlehood, fierce, dominant, independent.

I have continued to struggle to find my characters love. Its almost as though no one is good enough for them. I've had some awful relationships, and gone out with people who just were not right. So why am I so protective of my characters, but not myself? Do I respect them more than myself?

What kind of character would I need to create for it to fall in love? My instinct is a lonely person, someone who lacks something that can only be found in others. But these aren't the only kinds of people who fall in love. IMO, We fall in love when we meet someone who we feel akin to, and we can do this when we are perfectly content within ourselves.

So maybe, I was looking for the wrong opportunities for my characters, and should have been looking for similarities between them and others, remembering love is not entirely predictable.

(no subject)

It strikes me that we spend our lives walking a tightrope between "someone else's fault" and "my fault". Too much of one, and you're an arrogant jerk. Too much of the other and you're a pushover. So how do we balance ourselves?

And that's just one dimension.

Disclaimer

First of all; I’m writing this as a disclaimer.

This is my journal where I will rant and complain about the things in life which bother me.

I am usually a reasonable, rational person, but I will go mad if I don’t have an outlet for my frustrations.

This is my outlet.

If you have a problem with it, then that is exactly it; your problem. I’m not forcing you to read.

If I rant about how much small children annoy me with loud voices I do not want a reply “well that’s because they have poor impulse control and a lack of auditory awareness”. Let me say a few things; I already know this, the purpose of the entry is venting. We are not designed to be reasonable creatures all the time, read here why self control is not natural. When I’m frustrated and need to vent, this kind of comment is likely to bug me. I need you to understand that if you think I have a “bad” opinion then a reply to a rant is not the way to help me realise this.

Also; I don't care the 100 reasons why the above piece of research is flawed. Every piece of research has some flaw. It's important to think about the overall message that research communicates.

Finally, I’m unlikely to add you if I know you in real life. I just don’t want to deal with potential fall out from someone misinterpreting what I have here. Also, I want to have a space to express my feelings about my environment, I already feel constrained on livejournal; which is why I’m over here!

Test

test test test test test :)